Rhesus macaques are all over the place in northern India, so I caught up with them when I was in New Delhi. I always thought I was a good climber, until I saw these guys! They were scaling trees, fences, buildings, you name it. And they are tricksters. A particularly playful adolescent macaque grabbed my key to the compartment where I had stashed my suitcase at the train station. I chased him up and down, around and around, losing him several times and hearing him howling with laughter. What a stinker!

Rhesus macaques are amazing athletes—climbing places I dare not go! (original photo/Aiwok*)

Exasperated, I finally gave up the chase and walked sullenly over to an adult macaque.

“How can I get my key back from that acrobatic adolescent?” I asked.

“You must think like a monkey, not like a cat,” the macaque said wisely. “Instead of stalking him, make it a game for him to find YOU.”

I sought advice from an adult about how to get my key back from the trickster youngster (original photo/Yann*0

Aha. So I snuck behind some garbage cans, rattling them just enough to alert the rambunctious rhesus, but not so much that it seemed I was making myself obvious. Sure enough, before I could clean myself, the problem teenager popped in beside me proudly proclaiming, “Found you!”

The teenage macaque hid behind his mother after finishing his antics and I had outsmarted him (original photo/Aiwok*)

The antics were over, and I got my key back. Hmmm, I always heard that primates were smarter than cats, but now I am not so sure!

Exhausted, Tux

I’ve always wanted to go to India to see the tigers, monkeys, and elephants. I figured maybe I could pick up a few tips on living a natural and wild life from the tigers, climbing and hanging by my tail from the monkeys, and just being cute from the elephants. So off I went to India!

My first stop was to check out the Bengal tigers. I greeted the first one with a friendly meow. Oh my! He roared back at me—the sound and vibration knocking me off my feet.

That guy's roar was astounding! Made me roar back. (original photo/Kabir Bakie*)

“Hey striped giant, are we friends or foes?” I asked.

“I guess we can be friends, you puny excuse for a cat,” he roared with laughter.

The tiger explained their plight to me—and why tigers are endangered (original photo/Softeis*)

“What’s going on with you guys; I hear that tigers are endangered, that there are only 3,200 tigers left in the wild in the whole world,” I said with sincere concern.

“True, we tigers have it tough. Humans hunt us for our pelts, meat, and even our body parts to use in folk medicines,” he said with a heavy heart.

“That’s totally gross!” I yowled.

“I hunted hard at dawn and now I’m ready for a nap. Care to join me?” he offered.

I took a catnap safe in the clutches of the tiger (original photo/Eddy Van 3000*)

So I lay down beside him, figuring that was about the SAFEST place I could take a catnap. An hour later, we were feeling frisky, so I climbed up on his back to feel his muscles and his fancy fur. Impressive! For kicks, I asked him to give me his best roar. Yowie, I could feel it resonate through his whole body.

There's nothing like a bareback ride on a tiger! (original photo/Fish & Wildlife Service)

Feeling endeared toward the tigers, Tux

Hugh Laurie was pretty disheveled before he cleaned up for his talkback session with the young actors.

I’ve decided to go to India to cavort with the tigers and find out more about my wild cat nature. I think I’ll visit the Taj Mahal and check out those crazy monkeys and the majestic elephants. So to pay for my airfare and accommodations, I figured I better sell a celebrity photo quick. Since I am flying out of New York City, I decided to track down Hugh “House” Laurie who was taping a talkback session with wannabe actors in Manhattan. I snuck into the dressing room and caught him disheveled. Then “snap!” I got my picture.

Hugh spotted me at that very moment, picked me up, and threatened to throw me all the way to New Jersey. But this cool cat meowed and purred my way into his good graces—and he let me stay. Hugh cleans up well (even without massive amounts of licking), and looked sharp by the time he talked to the young actors. Great guy that he is (contrary to the emotionally bereft character he plays on House), he let me get cozy in his lap during the talkback session. I, of course, clapped and meowed at the appropriate moments to show my appreciation for his brilliant comments.

Hugh's not such an awful guy after all–he let me snuggle up on his lap (original photo/LaurieJacobsShore*)

After the session, I pitched Hugh an idea for a starring role in a new TV series that I could direct: He would play a devoted veterinarian who saves animals after natural disasters. Hugh said he’d get back to me on that. Do you think he could play a compassionate veterinarian? Keeping my paws crossed that he’ll say yes.

Talk to ya soon from India, Tux

Lady Gaga: now that’s a glamour puss. As if her costumes weren’t weird enough, the Lady wanted a cat to get into her act. I, being a hep cat, volunteered, naturally. So I was on stage at Lady Gaga’s latest performance!

Lady Gaga put me front and center in her arms! (original photo/dephisticate*)

She held me on her belly, dangled me from her arms, and draped me across her piano. We were totally in sync: I moved to her rhythm; she to mine.

So cool! I'm suspended from Lady Gaga's arm! (original photo/flickr.com-photos-10363713@N08-5773394199)

Only thing was, I heard some dog-lovers booing in the audience. Hey, it’s not my fault that Gaga wanted a feline not a canine to share her stage. She is so catalicious. There is nothing doggy about that foxy lady. Grrroowwll!

I accompanied Lady Gaga as she played the piano (original photo/aphrodite*)

Party on, Tux

I just had to visit the Bob Marley museum before I flew home from Kingston, Jamaica. The museum was the Reggae legend’s home. Some of the rooms are exactly the same as when Marley lived there, and some are filled with memorabilia, pictures, and awards. There’s even a garden with herbs growing, including ganja–and we’re not talking about catnip here! Maybe most amazing were the murals of Marley and his life. The whole experience blew my mind!

Here I am looking at the outrageously cool mural at the Bob Marley Museum.

Next I stopped at a much fancier house, the Devon House Mansion. It was the dream home of Jamaica’s first black millionaire, George Stiebel. Big place—would make a nice sanctuary for homeless cats.

I took a break before touring the Devon House in Kingston.

On my way to the airport, I found a street vendor serving jerk chicken (I thought all chickens were jerks). It was almost black and REALLY spicy, but still tasty—if you can actually tear through it with your canines. And why are our sharp teeth called canines, for heaven’s sake?!!!

This had to be the jerkiest chicken I ever met! (original photo/Op.Deo*)

Snoozing in first class, Tux

To indulge my love of Reggae, I jetted to Jamaica to go to a Rasta Cat concert. He’s the most famous Reggae cat on the island and evokes Bob Marley and Jimmy Cliff with his music. I once went to a Jimmy Cliff concert in Ithaca—it was so amazing that I thought I had gone to cat heaven. Sadly, I never got to hear Bob Marley in person.

I know, I know, the dreads are cool, but I look so girly!

You know how Dead Heads would wear tie-dyed t-shirts and headbands to Grateful Dead concerts? Well, before Rasta Cat’s concert, in the spirit of the Rastafarians, I went to a groomer who attached dreadlocks to my fur. Dey came out a lil prissy for ma taste, but dem was dreads all da same.

Man, the concert was sensational!

Rasta Cat sang his heart out and blew me away with his powerful Reggae!

Here’s a sample of some of the songs:

“I Sprayed the Shepherd” (with a nod to Bob Marley)

I sprayed the Shepherd

But I didn’t spray no Doberman

I sprayed the Shepherd

Yeah, all around in my backyard

They’re tryin’ to track me hard

They say they’ll put me in a garbage can

For the spraying of the Doberman

For the stink of the Doberman

“You Can Kill It If You Really Want” (with a bow to Jimmy Cliff)

You can kill it if you really want

You can kill it if you really want

You can kill it if you really want

but you must pounce, pounce, and pounce

Pounce and pounce, you’ll succeed at last

Human scorn you must bear

Taunt or kill you’ve got to get your share

You’ve got your claws set on a mouse

You can kill it though they’re out ta house now

The Faster They Fly the Faster They Fall (thanks again to Jimmy Cliff)

Well they tell me of a bird above the walk

Waiting for me when I stalk

But between the time you’re fed and when you prowl

They never seem to hear even your howl

CHORUS:

So as sure as the litter will smell

I’m gonna get my prey now despite my bell

And then the faster they fly the faster they’ll fall, one and all

Ooh the faster they fly the faster they’ll fall, one and all

Well the canines are trying to keep me down

Trying to drive me underground

And they think that they have got the backyard won

I say forgive them Cats, they know not what they’ve done

CHORUS repeat

And I keep on scratching for the things I want

Though I know that when you’re caught you can’t

But I’d rather be a free cat in a rage

Than living as a puppy in a cage

The songs were so powerful they made me want to start a cat uprising right there! But then Rasta Cat sang “No Feline No Cry,” which practically broke my heart, thinking about poor Felina back in Ithaca. I sang to myself, ev’rything’s gonna be alright . . .

Rasta Cat smoked a catnip doobie with me after the concert. He is totally a Rastafelinarian.

Leaving the concert, I passed by the back alley. There was Rasta Cat smoking a catnip joint. He waved his paw to me to come on over and said, “Hey cool cat with dose dreads, wanna smoke dis ganja wit me?” I thought, wow, yes, I’ll be toking on cat ganja with the main Rastafelinarian. So there were two pusses puffing on a doobie for a while, then we went on our way. How cool was that?

Still a little high, Tux

So I flew out to Chicago to defend myself in court against false charges of fixing the outcome of the Cosmocat Contest. My good buddy Blues Magruder, who is a private investigator, came from New York City to dig up some dirt and to serve as my character witness.

There's my buddy Blues Magruder ready to save the day!

Feeling like disgraced former governor Rod Blagojevich—presumed guilty of shenanigans and pummeled by a frenzied media before he even got to his trial—I held my head up high in the courtroom and professed my innocence. I told the judge and jury that I had NOTHING to do with those provocative videos of Paulina the Polecat on YouTube.

Things didn’t seem to be going my way. Paulina testified that her lifelong dream was to be a space cadet, and I had stolen that from her. She wept and wailed when she was on the stand. I’m thinking, for goodness sakes, woman, keep it together and spare us the histrionics! But the jury looked so sympathetic, it was freaking me out.

See me pleading my innocence in front of the judge in a Chicago court.

Then running up the aisle came Blues Magruder, waving a paper in his hand. “Stop the proceedings,” he demanded. “I have proof that Tux the Cat was set up to look like the culprit.”

Holy hairballs, I was thinking, this is just like TV!

“I traced back the origin of the videos and found that they were uploaded from the account of Paws Poindexter—he’s the IT expert for the Vegas cat mobsters.” shouted Blues.

Blues Magruder to the rescue! The case against me was dropped, and I retained my Cosmocat title. Rod Blagojevich wasn’t so lucky.

Curled up by the heater in my motel room in the windy city, Tux

I received a court summons from Chicago saying that I was being sued by Paulina the Polecat for stealing her rightful title as Cosmocat. She alleged that I had not only posted videos of her pole dancing on YouTube, but that I had photoshopped in some of her most purrient moves—all to disqualify her as the first-place winner in the Cosmocat Contest, and therefore I, as runner-up, took the title.

Here's the court summons I got from Paulina the Polecat

The lawsuit was suing me for all my future profits from book offers and appearances as Cosmocat. This was supposedly to compensate Paulina for not going to the International Space Station, not being in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, and not receiving the other honors I had bestowed upon me as Cosmocat.

See, here's evidence of Paulina pole dancing! (original photo/Prskavka*)

Some new evidence had surfaced, namely a link from the YouTube videos of her pole dancing to my YouTube account. But I swear on my next stash of catnip, I didn’t do it! I DID NOT upload those lurid videos of her slithering around a scratching post. So how did my YouTube account get linked to the videos? I don’t know, but I am wondering if Don Curlyone had the mobster Tech Cat hack into my account and put in the link. That would be his payback for my catting around with his girl, Kitty Kaboom. How am I ever gonna prove my innocence?

Worried, Tux

I went to California to find out why mountain lions are prowling around people’s backyards. Are they looking to be taken in by human families like we cats are? I trekked into the San Bernardino National Forest east of Los Angeles and waited until a mountain lion showed up. I had no idea cats could be this big!!! I’ve seen a lot of felines in my day, but these cats were giants! Maybe that’s why they are called LIONS. The first one I met laughed when he saw my puny little body and couldn’t even believe I was a cat.

That mountain lion sure had a BIG head! (original photo/ChrisMGPritchard*)

“Hey massive cat, why are you hanging around people’s backyards and sitting by their pools?” I mewed.

“This is our territory and we need to stake a claim before the humans build more housing developments here,” he insisted.

“Well, humans can capture or kill you with their tranquilizer darts and guns,” I said, stating the obvious. We little cats just co-exist with the humans and their roads and buildings. Why can’t you?” I asked.

“We have no choice because we need a large range for hunting and mating, up to 370 square miles,” he roared.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere an even bigger male mountain lion came charging after me and scooped me up in his grotesquely enormous paw. He growled, “I’m gonna make mincemeat of you!”

OMG I was a few inches from being eaten by this massive mountain lion! (original photo/Mike Searson)

I was terrified, to say the least.

“Put him down, Leo, I killed a deer for dinner,” hissed a female from just behind a bush. “I told you no snacks before supper.”

The male turned into a cowardly cougar and purred, “Sorry dear, but I haven’t eaten since breakfast.”

The female shrugged and rolled her eyes, then whisked me away to a cave, where she maternally watched over me as I napped.

I took a nap in the protection of a motherly mountain lion (original photo/Stephen-Lea*)

Feeling small, Tux

After that upsetting counseling session with Dr. Katz in Ithaca, I took off for Los Angeles to investigate the mountain lion situation there. Just after arriving in L.A., I ran into actor Harrison Ford, who was still flying high from his role in Cowboys and Aliens. He said he had seen me on the Today show and on Good Morning America and that I was a celebrity myself. He invited me to his house, where we relaxed on his sofa while I told him of my adventures in space, how I rode with Santa in the Thanksgiving Day Parade, and how I lost a fortune in poker to Ben Affleck.

I snuggled up with Harrison Ford on his couch as I told him of my TV and space adventures.

Then Harrison asked me to take some portraits of us together and handed me a cat-sized hat like the one he wore as Indiana Jones! He put on a suit, and I gladly put on the hat.

Here's one of the portraits I took of Harrison Ford and me. Don't I look sharp in the Indiana Jones hat ?! (original photo/Mireille Ampilhac*)

After our photo session, Harrison asked, ever so diplomatically, “So, Tux, what’s the REAL story behind the Cosmocat scandal? Did you have anything to do with those titillating videos of the first-place winner showing up on YouTube?”

“I did not! Just because those videos disqualified her and I got to go to the Space Station in her place, why am I being accused of such a sneaky move?!” I protested, feeling hurt that my new buddy Harrison would even think that I would crouch that low. I told Harrison that I had to go and bolted out the door.

Unfairly accused, Tux